I (kinda) think this is my last straw
This post might be triggering, stop reading if you’re triggered
These days I don’t feel joy in doing anything. I thought the new term of the university will distract me from my unpleasant feelings, turns out it adds more anxiety, which of course, is more unpleasant. At night, I usually feel empty. The emptiness that will send me to my dark thoughts while lying in bed and couldn’t do anything but hold on to my tears.
I cried about this too yesterday, it will be better to stop
I tell myself that every time I’m about to cry, but it proceeds to be choking over the same thing every night. In the morning, I’ll wake up with no feeling. It’s hollow but somehow my head will start processing about what will I do today, will it be tiring, will I complete my task, will somebody ruin my day and all those thought processes will continue running while I’m doing my chores which suck my energy out and the night comes, and the cycle continues.
It’s scaring me, because I develop the habit of banging my head to the wall, hitting myself, and crying so frequently. Which I have never done before and I know there’s probably something wrong with me. When you know something is wrong with you but you can’t do anything about it, that is when you know you’re fucked.
Every single day, I wonder what am I chasing in life? Because talking about dreams, even the ones I dream of the most, I have no energy to chase them anymore. I don’t see the future because I choose not to, because I don’t care about finishing things now for the sake of my future. Because I hope I don’t have to see the next day. At this point, I don’t understand why living is mandatory. Why we should continue hustling for the sake of uncertain conditions that people around us sort of “promised” us that it will come. Why we should wait for the storm to pass if we can just go with the storm. Why worth of struggling for a “better” future explained by anyone around us that don’t understand the struggle itself.
When you’re suicidal, your thoughts are clouded. I think it’s the right statement. But I also question, does the future even matter for ones that suicidal considering after they’re gone, they won’t even remember anything anyway?
